Quotes
01 Serenity (Pilot)

Wash: (Stego): We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... "This Land".
Wash: (T-Rex): I think we should call it... your grave!
Wash: (Stego): Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Wash: (T-Rex): Ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!

Mal: Cry, Baby, cry.
Wash: (O.C.) Make your mother sigh. Engaging the crybaby.

Wash: I'd say worth a little risk.
Jayne: Yeah, that was some pretty risky sitting you did there.
Wash: That's right, of course, 'cause they wouldn't arrest me if we got boarded, I'm just the pilot. I can always say I was flying the ship by accident.

Jayne: What the hell they [Alliance] doing this far out, anyhow?
Kaylee: Shining the light of civilization.
Jayne: Doesn't do us any good...
Kaylee: Well, we're uncivilized.

Jayne: Captain, can you please stop her from being cheerful?
Mal: I don't believe there is a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. (smiles at her) Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.
Kaylee: (kisses his cheek) I love my Captain.

Zoe: I know something's not right.
Wash: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything was right, we'd be in jail.

Zoe: Oh, wouldn't mind a real bath...
Wash: Yeah, and a meal that included some sort of food.
Zoe: Ooh.
Wash: Just a couple of days lying around, you with the bathing. Me with the watching you bathe.

Mal: After you talk to Badger, see if you can reach the Ambassador. Let her know we're out of Persephone fast. She's got business pending, she better squeeze it dry and send it off. We ain't waiting.
Wash: I'm sure the Ambassador will appreciate your colorful phrasing. Sir.

Kaylee: I'd sure love to find a brand new compression coil for the steamer.
Mal: And I'd like to be king of all Londinum and wear a shiny hat.

Kaylee: Oh, Grampa...
Book: I never married.

Jayne: Ten percent of nuthin' is... let me do the math here... nuthin' into nuthin'... carry the nuthin'...

Mal: Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.

Mal: I'm thinking Whitefall, maybe talk to Patience.
Zoe: Sir, we don't want to deal with Patience again.
Mal: Why not?
Zoe: She shot you.
Mal: Well, yeah. She did a bit.

Zoe: Oh yeah, this is gonna go great.
Mal: If anyone gets nosy, just, you know... shoot 'em.
Zoe: Shoot 'em?
Mal: Politely.

Mal: Did you send word to Patience?
Wash: Ain't heard back yet. Didn't she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everybody's makin' a fuss.

Mal: How's business?
Inara: None of yours.

Simon: (about Jayne) What do you pay him for?
Mal: What?
Simon: I was just wondering what his job is. On the ship.
Mal: (after a short pause) Public relations.

Dobson: Drop that firearm, Captain Reynolds.
Mal: This is not my best day ever.
Dobson: Simon Tam, you are bound by law to stand down.
Mal: You -- what -- the doctor? Oh! (to Simon) Hey! (to Dobson) Is there a reward?

Simon: Can you move your feet? Kaylee. Stay with me. Can you move your feet?
Kaylee: Are you... asking me to dance...?

Simon: What happens if they board us?
Zoe: If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skins into their clothing and if we're very very lucky, they'll do it in that order.

Mal: Getting awful crowded in my sky.

Dobson: Okay. I can see you're not an idiot.
Jayne: Wish I could say the same, Laurence, but this is disappointing as hell.

Mal: I believe that woman's plannin' to shoot me again.

Jayne: Here's a little concept I been workin' on. Why don't we shoot her first?
Wash: It is her turn.

Mal: Our luck? You notice anything particular about our luck these past few days? Any kind of pattern? You depend on luck, you end up on the drift-- no fuel, no prospects... beggin' for Alliance make-work. And towed out to the scrap belt. That ain't us. Not ever. Patience has got the money to pay, and she will, one way or another. There's obstacles in our path, and we're gonna deal with them. One by one.

Jayne: Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.

Kaylee: (stroking Serenity's bulkhead) That's my girl... That's my good girl.

Zoe: Sir? I'd like you to take the helm, please. (then grabs Wash) I need this man to tear all my clothes off.
Wash: Work, work, work...

Book: I've been out of the abbey two days, I've beaten a Lawman senseless, I've fallen in with criminals... I watched the captain shoot a man I swore to protect. And I'm not even sure if I think he was wrong.
Inara: Shepherd...
Book: I believe I just... I think I'm on the wrong ship.
Inara: Maybe. Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be.

Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn't good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: (smiling) Well, that'll be an interesting day. (leaves)
Mal: (to himself) I imagine it will.

Mal: There's places you might be safe. You want the truth, though, you're probably safer on the move. And we never stop moving.
Simon: I'm confused. No wait-- I think maybe you're confused.

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep? Mal: You don't know me, son. So let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the law on you, criminals and savages... half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives.
Mal: (not looking at him) We're still flying.
Simon: That's not much. (leaves)
Mal: (to himself) It's enough.

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02 The Train Job

Lund: You didn't toast! You know, I'm thinking you're one of them independents.
Mal: And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other till we go away?

Jayne: Hey, I didn't fight in no war. Best of luck, though...

Mal: Wash? We got some local color happening. A grand entrance would not go amiss.

Mal: Is Jayne even awake?

Mal: This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
Zoe: Thanks for the reenactment, sir.

Jayne: Damn yokels can't even tell a transport ship ain't got no guns on it. (chuckling) "Blow a new crater in this moon..."

Mal: Take us out of the world, Wash. Got us some crime to be done.

Kaylee: So, what happpened? Was there a terrible brawl?
Zoe: Oddly enough, there was.
Wash: Are you getting my wife into trouble?
Mal: What? I didn't start it! I just wanted a quiet drink.
Zoe: Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar come U-Day, looking for a quiet drink.
Mal: See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. It breaks the heart.

Simon: (referring to Mal's bloody knuckles) Need a weave on that?
Mal: It's nothing.
Simon: I expect there's someone's face feels differently.
Mal: (smiles in reverie) They tell you never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious.

Mal: Are you referring to our perfectly legitimate business enterprises?
Book: I'm wondering why a man who's so anxious to fly under Alliance radar would house known fugitives. The Alliance had her in that institution for a purpose, whatever it was, and they will want her back. You're not overly fond of the boy, so why risk it?
Mal: Because it's the right thing to do.

Inara: You have such lovely hair. I'm sure the doctor would agree.
Kaylee: Who, Simon? No, he's too... I'm just... Do you think it would look better up?
Inara: We could experiment. We might even get wild later and wash your face.

Kaylee: I shouldn't much like a bald lover... some bald men have awfully furry backs.
Inara: Yes, hair often doesn't disappear so much as migrate south.

(Mal enters Inara's shuttle - as usual - without invitation)
Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara: Yes, precisely, only the exact phrase I used was "don't."

Mal: You're servicing crew now?
Inara: In your lonely and pathetic dreams.

Inara: Mal, if you're being a gentleman, I may die of shock.
(Mal bows, leaves, then turns around)
Mal: Have you got time to do my hair?
Inara: Out.

Book: I wish I could help. I mean, I don't want to help, not help help, not with the thieving, but... I do feel awfully useless.
Inara: You could always pray they make it back safely.
Book: I don't think the Captain would much like me praying for him.
Inara: Don't tell him. (turns a bit and mumbles) I never do.

Zoe: (referring to the unexpected Fedsquad in the train) You don't think it changes the situation a bit?
Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun.
Zoe: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

Mal: Come on. We stick to the plan, we get the goods and we're back on Serenity before the train even reaches Paradiso only now we do it under the noses of twenty trained Alliance feds and that makes them look all manner of stupid. Hell, this job I would pull for free.
Zoe: Then can I have your share?
Mal: No.
Zoe: If you die can I have your share?
Mal: Yes.

Wash: You sound like my father. Which is weird because you look more like my mother.
Jayne: One of these days--

Jayne: Time for some thrilling heroics!

Mal: Whatever happens, remember I love you.
Zoe: Sir?
Mal: Because you're my wife.
Zoe: Right. Sir. Honey.

Sheriff: It's funny your uncle never went to mentioning the Bowden's problem. Or that Joey Bloggs ate his own gun, about eight months back.
Mal: Did he?
Sheriff: Yep. Blew the back of his head right off.
Mal: So... would his job be open?

Jayne: You've got the light... from the console... keep you, lift you up. They shine like... little angels...

Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.
Kaylee: You doped him.
Simon: It was supposed to kick in a good deal sooner. I-I just didn't feel comfortable with him in charge. I hope that's all right.

Inara: Zoe. What would your husband say if he knew you were here?
Zoe: I... I was weak.

Sheriff: His story had kind of an odor to it.
Inara: Yes. It's not the only thing about him that does.

Mal: Nice shot.
Jayne: I was aiming for his head.

Sheriff: You were truthful back in town -- these are tough times. A man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours.... well, then he has a choice.
Mal: I don't believe he does.

Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You give it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. We're not thieves -- well, we are thieves, but -- the point is, we're not taking what's his. We'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You'll explain that's best for everyone, okay?
Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, how far you fly-- I will hunt you down and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal: (sighs) Darn.
(Mal kicks Crow back and he is sucked into the ship's engine. Zoe places another one of Niska's men in front of Mal.)
Mal: Now. This is all the money Niska--
Other guy: Oh I get it. I'm good. Best for everyone, I'm right there with you.

River: Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue...

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03 Bushwhacked

Mal: We're dead.
Zoe: I believe we still have a shot, sir.
Mal: Haven't really learned a terrible lot about losing-- have you, Zoe?
Zoe: Only since I've been under your command, sir.
Mal: Fair.

Wash: Somebody cover my wife.
Jayne: Everytime you ain't lookin'.

Simon: I just... I don't know if I'll be able to help her here. And I need to help her.
Inara: Simon, you are. Leaving your whole world behind. It's incredibly selfless.
Simon: Yeah. I selflessly turned us both into wanted fugitives.
Inara: Well, we're all running from something, I suppose.

(during the "Basketball Game")
Zoe: Proximity alert. Must be comin' up on somethin'...
Wash: Oh, my god! What can it be? We're doomed! Who's flyin' this thing? (deadpan) Oh. Right. That'd be me. Back to work.

Kaylee: Hey, guess that leaves us a man short, don't it?
Jayne: Little Kaylee's always a "man short".

Jayne: Tell you what I think. I figure that fella we ran into did everyone on board, killed 'em all, then decided to go for a swim, see how fast his blood'd boil out his ears.
Wash: You're a very "up" person.

Jayne: So we a search and rescue tug now?
Mal: No. But the Shepherd's not wrong. Could be survivors. And if not, well-- then no one's gonna mind if we take a look around, see if there's not something of value they might've left behind.
Jayne: Right. Yeah... No. Someone could be hurt.

Book: And if that's the result of some violence? What if that ship's a crime scene?
Wash: Well-- if it wasn't before, it certainly is now.

Simon: Oh, yes. He's a real beast. It's a wonder you're still alive.
Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.

Book: So, he'll live then.
Mal: Which to my mind is unfortunate.
Book: Not a very charitable attitude, Captain.
Mal: Charity'd be putting a bullet in his brainpan.
Inara: Mal!
Mal: Only save him the suffering.

Jayne: Reavers ain't men.
Book: Of course they are. Too long removed from civilization, of course, but men. And, I believe there is a power greater than men, a power that heals.
Mal: Reavers might take issue with that philosophy. If they had a philosophy. If they weren't too busy gnawing on your insides. Jayne's right, Reavers ain't men. Or they forgot how to be. Now they're just nothing. They got out to the edge of the galaxy, to that place of nothing, and that's what they became.

Jayne: I ain't going over there with those bodies. No ruttin' way, not after Reavers messed with them.
Zoe: Jayne! You'll scare the women.

Jayne: I don't believe this. Now we're gonna sit put for a funeral?
Mal: Yes, Jayne. That's exactly what we're going to do. I won't have these people lookin' over my shoulder once we're gone. Now I ain't sayin' there is any peace to be had. But on the off chance there is-- then those folks deserve a little of it.
Jayne: Loopy in the head. All of you. (leaves)
Inara: And just when I think I've got you figured out.

Mal: You tell me now, little Kaylee-- you really think you can do this?
Kaylee: Sure. Yeah. Think so. 'sides, if I mess up, it's not like you'll be able to yell at me.

Harken: I want every inch of this junker tossed.
Kaylee: Junker?!
Mal: Settle down, Kaylee.
Kaylee: But, Captain! Did you hear what that purple-belly called Serenity?
Mal: Shut up!

(Interrogation Scenes)
(Zoe...)
Harken: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war.
Zoe: Fought with a lot of people in the war.
Harken: And your husband?
Zoe: Fight with him sometimes, too.
Harken: Is there any particular reason you don't wish to discuss your marriage?
Zoe: Don't see that it's any of your business, is all. We're very private people.

(cut to Wash's turn)
Wash: The legs. Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and where her legs meet her back. Actually, that whole area. That, and above it.

Wash: Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?

(then Kaylee)
Kaylee: ...six Gurstler's crammed right under every cooling drive so that you strain your primary artery function and end up having to recycle secondary exhaust through a bypass system just so's you don't end up pumping it into the main atmofeed and asphyxiating your crew. Now that's "junk."

(finally Mal)
Harken: Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.
Mal: May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.

(Mal's hands are cuffed behind his back)
Mal: Uh-- ?
(Harken recuffs him with his hands in front of him)
Mal: Thanks. Now I'll really have the advantage.

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04 Shindig

Inara: Oh, I'm all right. This is entertaining, actually.
Mal: Yeah? What's entertaining?
Inara: I like watching the game. As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back.

Inara: I suppose. He has engaged me for several days.
Mal: Days!? One must have stamina.
Inara: Mmm. He does.

Mal: Tell me, do all the men there pay for their dates, or just the young rich ones with stamina?

Zoe: Planet's coming up a might fast.
Wash: Just means I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: (as he leaves) That happens, let me know.

Kaylee: Oh, look at the pretties!
Wash: What am I looking at, the girls or the clothes?
Jayne: There's clothes?

Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
Jayne: I'll chip in.
Zoe: I can hurt you.

Badger: He won't deal with me direct. Taken an irrational dislike.
Jayne: (with full mouth) What happened? He see your face?

Mal: You backed out of a deal last time. Left us hanging.
Jayne: Hurt our feelings.

Mal: Does... um... does this seem kind of tight?
Kaylee: Shows off your backside.

Kaylee: Yes, sir, Captain Tightpants.

Kaylee: (to Mal, a bit too loud) Say, lookit the boys! Some of them's pretty as the doctor.

Zoe: Thought you wanted to spend time off-ship this visit.
Wash: Seems like out there it's all fancy parties. I like our party better. The dress code's easier and I know all the steps.

Wash: Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone. You're acting captain. Know what happens you fall asleep now?
Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over.

Mal: (to Inara) Well then, maybe I just wanted to see a professional at work. Is this the hardest part, would you say, or does that come later?

Kaylee: Up until the punching, it was a real nice party.

Simon: Captain's a good fighter, he must know how to handle a sword.
Zoe: I think he knows which end to hold.

Zoe: Not necessarily. We can lure one or two of them away. Say infirmary? Take 'em out, be on Badger before he knows what happens.
Jayne: Only if his attention's elsewhere. What we need's a diversion. I say Zoe gets naked.
Wash: Nope.
Jayne: I could get naked.
All: No!

Inara: Mal, you always break the rules. It doesn't matter which "society" you're in! You don't get along with ordinary criminals either! That's why you're constantly in trouble!

Jayne: We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op.
Wash: I was going to watch. It was very exciting.

Inara: I am grateful, you know, for the ill-conceived and high-handed attempt to defend my honor, although I didn't want you to.
Mal: Gracious as that is, looking back, I probably should have stayed out of your world.
Inara: My world? If it is that. I wasn't going to stay, you know.
Mal: Yeah? Why is that?
Inara: Oh, someone needs to keep Kaylee out of trouble. And all my things are here. Besides, why would I want to leave Serenity?
Mal: Can't think of a reason.

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05 Safe

Young Simon: So... how'd the independents cut us off?
Young River: They were using dinosaurs.
Young Simon: Jien tah-duh guay!

River: It's not okay! You can't just dig into me, shove twenty needles in my eyes and ask me what I see!

Mal: So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.

Mal: Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed -- although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't.
River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.

Mal: You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.
Jayne: I like smackin' 'em.

Zoe: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.
Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.

Mal: Cattle on the ship three weeks, she don't go near them. Suddenly we're on Jiangyin and she's got a driving need to commune with the beasts?
River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see the sky and they remember what they are.
Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?

Mal: When a man engages in clandestine dealings, he has this preference for things going smoothly. She makes things not be smooth.
Simon: Right. I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.

Kaylee: You think this would make a nice gift?
Inara: A gift? For whom?
Kaylee: I just kinda like it. It's rich, you know?
Inara: Ooh. For Simon.
Kaylee: I didn't say that.
Inara: You don't do a very good job of hiding your interest.

Kaylee: You were being mean, is what. And if that's what you think of this life, then you can't think much of them that choose it, can you.

Mal: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hear there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings?

Mal: Never goes smooth. How come it never goes smooth?

Mal: That's good. You lie there and be ironical.

Mal: Doctor could be called a lot of things. Coward wouldn't be one of 'em, though.

River: We're lost... lost in the woods.

Jayne: (as Simon) "Dear Diary. Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy." "Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

Zoe: Captain'll come up with a plan.
Kaylee: That's good, right?
Zoe: Possible you're not recalling some of his previous plans.

Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're up to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap?
Mal: Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean?
Zoe: "Sanguine." Hopeful. Plus, point of interest, it also means "bloody."
Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?

Simon: These are better than the Cambersons' berries.
River: They are. Except they're poison.
River: He believed her. Made a face.
Simon: You are such a brat!

River: Ruby doesn't talk. Her voice got scared away.

Simon: She has done nothing to you! If she dies tonight, it won't be God's will that killed her, it'll be you! Your lunacy! Your ignorance!

Simon: Light it.
River: Time to go.

Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Mal: Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. It was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting. Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near miraculous.
Simon: Yes, I'm very proud.
Patron: The girl is a witch!
Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch. So cut her the hell down.

Simon: So, finally, a decent wound on this ship and I miss out. I'm sorry.
Mal: Well, you were trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.

Simon: Captain... why did you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why we still talking about this?

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06 Our Mrs. Reynolds

Jayne: You might wanna reconsider that last part. I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you prettier, I would.
Mal: You're not the man I met a year ago.

Inara: Well, yes. So explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman. I needed her covering the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kind of nice. There's a whole air flow.
Inara: And you would know that because...
Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery.

Mal: Zoe, why do I have a wife?
Jayne: You got a wife?
Zoe: What's she doing here?
Jayne: All I got was that dumb-ass stick that sounds like it's raining. How come you got a wife?

Mal: Zoe, get Wash down here.
Zoe: (hits comm) This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Mal: All-- I said Wash!
Zoe: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss. Mal: There's no bliss! I don't know this girl. Jayne: Then can I know her? Zoe: Jayne... (softly) Don't sully this. Mal: Zoe, you are gonna be cleaning the latrine with your face, you don't cut that out.

Wash: We always hoped you two kids would get together. Who is she?

Kaylee: Hey, sweetie. Don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.

Mal: How drunk was I last night?
Jayne: Well I dunno. I passed out.

Wash: Speaking as one married man to a another...

Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Mal: Wha-- I'm not-- Preacher, you got a smutty mind.

Book: The special hell.

Zoe: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?

Mal: Y'all are making a big deal and I would appreciate it if one person on this boat did not assume I was an evil, lecherous hump.
Zoe: Nobody's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're mostly just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.

Jayne: It's my very favorite gun.
Mal: The explosive diarrhea of an elephant, are you offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade? Hell, it's theft! This is the best gun made by man, and its got extreme sentimental value! It's miles more worthy'n what you got.
Mal: "What I got"-- she has a name.
Jayne: So does this! I call it Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand of god. Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled.

Mal: Now, I got no use for people sneak around taking what ain't theirs.
Book: Yes, we frown on that here.

Saffron: I do know my bible, sir. On the night of their betrothal the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow. He shall work in her again and again, til she bring him to his full. And rest him then upon the sweat of her breast.
Mal: Whoa. Good bible.

Mal: Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell...

Wash: Whoa. Good myth.

Zoe: So you two were kissin'.
Book: Well, isn't that special...?

Mal: Wash, how did -
Wash: Hey, I just got kicked in the head.
Zoe: My man would never fall for that [Chinese "cheap floozy"].
Wash: Most of my head wishes I had.

Wash: Maybe she likes shuttles. Some people juggle geese...

Mal: I was poisoned!
Inara: You were drugged.
Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

Jayne: One day you're gonna tell us all how a preacher knows so damn much about crime.

Wash: Captain, don't you know that kissing girls makes you sleepy?

Mal: So here's where I'm fuzzy: you got by that girl, came and found me, and then you just happened to trip and fall?
Inara: Wh-- what do you mean?
Mal: Come on, Inara, how's about we don't play. You didn't just trip, did you?
Inara: No. Mal: (smiles and nods) Well, isn't that something. I knew you let her kiss you.

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07 Jaynestown

Kaylee: Come on, it's true. Admit it.
Simon: No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear-words, like anybody else.
Kaylee: Oh really? Never heard you. When is it you do all your cussin'? After I go to bed?
Simon: I swear. When it's appropriate.
Kaylee: (laughs) Simon! Whole point of swearin' is that it ain't appropriate.

Kaylee: Bye now! Have good sex!
(Simon turns to her)
Kaylee: What?

Jayne: I needed to find some tape.
Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Jayne: Apparently.

Simon: My god, you're like a trained ape! Without the training. No, apes are noble creatures, you're some sort of man-ape-thing that went horribly wrong.

Jayne: Listen, Mal, I was in Canton a few years back, and I might have made me a coupla enemies thereabouts.
Simon: Enemies? You? No! How can it be?

Wash: What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?
Kaylee: He's learning.

Wash: You haven't been here in years, Jayne. You really think you need that get-up? No one's gonna remember you...
Mal: (spotting Jayne's statue) Think it's possible they might.
Simon: Son of a bitch...

Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah?
Mal: You want to tell me how come there's a statue of you here looking at me like I owe him something?
Jayne: Wishing I could, Captain.
Mal: No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me?
Jayne: Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way South. I had to hightail it. They don't... put you on a pedestal in town square for that.
Mal: Yeah, except I'm looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.
Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.
Wash: I think they captured him, though - you know...captured his essence.
Kaylee: Looks sort of angry, don't he?
Wash: That's kinda what I meant.

Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River: Fixing your Bible.
Book: I-- uh-- What?
River: Bible's broken. Contradictions, faulty logistics-- it doesn't make sense...

Jayne: Can't be a statue of me. No reason for it. Flies in the face of every kind of sense.
Mal: Won't argue with that.

Busker: Jayne, The man we call Jayne, He robbedf rom the rich and he gave to the poor Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for, Our love for him now ain't hard to explain, The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne, Our Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breaking, He saw the Mudders lament And he saw the, magistrate taking Every dollar and leaving five cents, So he said, "You can't do that to my people" He said...
Mal: Um...Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah, Mal?
Mal: You got any light you'd like to shed on this development?
Jayne: No, Mal.
Simon: No. This must be what going mad feels like.

Mudders: Our love for him now ain't hard to explain, The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne
Busker: Now here is what separates heroes, From common folk like you and I The man they call Jayne, He turned 'round his plane, And let that money hit the sky
Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!

Simon: (a bit slurred) You know, I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I reattatched a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
Kaylee: Hamsters is nice--
Simon: To Jayne! The box dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing, hero of mudville.

Kaylee: You are pretty funny.
Simon: And you're pretty....pretty.
Kaylee: What did you just say?
Simon: I just said that you're pretty. Even when you're covered in...engine grease, you're... No, especially, especially when you're covered in engine grease.

Book: River..? Please, why don't you come on out...
River: No. Can't. Too much hair.
Book: Is-- Is that it?
(turns to Zoe)
Zoe: Hell yes, preacher. If I didn't have stuff to get done, I'd be in there with her...

Simon: Hey...Mal, uh, Mal... No, nuh-nuh nothing happened. No, there was, uh, there was some drinking, but, uh, we, no we certainly didn't. No, I would never! Not with Kaylee...
Kaylee: What do you mean, not with me?

Simon: Excuse me, can I have... could I see a menu?
Bartender: A what?

Zoe: Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash, pinch me, I must be dreaming!
Jayne: Oh hell, I'll pinch you!

Inara: Yesterday. Oh, no. I-- I know this man. He just has this idiotic sense of nobility, you know? He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting... but there's a side to him that's just so...
Fess: You mean you actually know Jayne?

Jayne: I'm no good with words. Don't use 'em much, myself... But I want to thank y'all, for bein' here, and for thinking so much of me... Far as I see it, You people have been given the shortest end of a stick ever offered a human soul in this crap-heel 'verse... But you took that end, and you, you know... Well... You took it. And that's... I guess that's somethin'. Jayne nods. The crowd APPLAUDS. Kaylee and Mal have just arrived.
Kaylee: Wow... That didn't sound half bad...
Mal: I'm shocked, my own self.

Kaylee: See! You're doing it right now! What's so damn important about being proper? It don't mean nothing out here in the black.
Simon: It means more out here. It's all I have. I mean... My way of being polite, or however it's... well, it's the only way I have of showing you that I like you. I'm showing respect.
Kaylee: So when we made love last night--
Simon: When we WHAT?
Kaylee: (laughing) You really are such an easy mark.

top

08 Out of Gas

Mal: I tell ya, Zoe, we find ourselves a mechanic, get her running again. Hire on a good pilot. Maybe even a cook. Live like people. Small crew, them as feel the need to be free. Take jobs as they come-- and we'll never be under the heel of nobody ever again. No matter how long the arm of the Alliance might get... we'll just get us a little further.

Mal: Seems a fresh warrant for your arrest come up on the cortex. Had your birth date attached right to it.
Simon: Oh. I see. Well. That's...-- Really?

Mal: You let the doctor worry about Zoe. Tell me what you know.
Kaylee: Catalyzer on the port compression coil blew. That's where the trouble started.
Mal: I need that in Captain dummy talk, Kaylee.
Kaylee: We're dead in the water.

River: But you are afraid.
Book: Yes.
River: You're afraid we're going to run out of air. That we'll die gasping. (then) But we won't. That's not going to happen.
(Book looks at her. Then:)
River: (flatly) We'll freeze to death first.

Wash: Yes, Mal. It'd boost the signal, but even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it'd do is muck up their navigation!
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: Damn right it's true! They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could go anyplace!
(after a pause, when this finally sinks in)
Wash: Well, maybe I should do that, then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
Wash: Okay!
Mal: Good!
Wash: Fine!
(Jayne enters)
Jayne: What do you two think you're doing, fighting at a time like this? You're going to use up all the air.

Kaylee: Grav boot ain't your trouble. I seen the trouble plain as day when I was down there on my back before.

Bester: Mal, what do you need two mechanics for?
Mal: I really don't.

Inara: Mal... come with us.
Mal: Can't. Four to a shuttle, Inara. Four.
Inara: One more. You know it can't make a difference. Not now.
Mal: I'm not leaving Serenity.
Inara: Mal... you don't have to die alone.
Mal: Everybody dies alone.

Mal: Which one you figure tracked us?
Zoe: The ugly one, sir.
Mal: (after a long pause) Could you be more specific?

Mal: Well, looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a low-down, dirty... deceiver.
Mal: Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?
Zoe: Had a kind of poetry to it, sir.

Jayne: Tell us where the cargo is so I can shoot you.
Mal: Point of interest? Offering to shoot us might not work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.

Mal: Let's say you did kill us-- or didn't. There could be torture, whatever. Anyhow--

Jayne: Seven percent's standard.
Mal: Okay. Zoe, I'm paying you too much.

Inara: I feel like maybe we should do something about all the blood. I don't think it's something he should see when he wakes up.
Jayne: He seen blood before. Lots of it.
Inara: Yes, I'm certain that's true, but sometimes it seems different when it's one's own blood.

Zoe: I guess it's a fair bet to say I missed birthday cake.
Wash: It's okay, honey. Nobody got to have any. It's still on the floor and some of the walls upstairs, though. If you want I'll run up there and scrape up a piece.

Jayne: We'd have been back first, but there's something wrong with Inara's shuttle. She's done something to it, Mal. Smells funny.
Inara: I told you, that's incense.
Jayne: So you say.

top

09 Ariel

Wash: We don't even have to go someplace fancy. We can just go to the park or something. Feed the pigeons.
Zoe: Sure. Feed the pigeons. Probably get the firing squad for littering.

Inara: Ariel's quite a nice place, actually. There are some beautiful museums, not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the Core.
Wash: But ... not boring, like she made it sound. There's a .. .. Um, ah, um.

Mal: You could have got off with Shepherd Book at the Bathgate Abbey. Could have been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now.
Jayne: Well, it beats just sitting.
Wash: It is just sitting.

(Jayne spits on his blade, then wipes it on his shirt, while Simon has his lunch)
Simon: Could you not do that while... (pauses)... ever.

(after River attacked Jayne with the kitchen knife)
River: He looks better in red.

(Kaylee and Wash in the hospital junkyard)
Kaylee: Figures... first time on the Core, what do I get to do?-- dig through trash. Why couldn't he send me shopping at the Triplex, or-- (sees something) Oh, synchronizers!

Mal: The patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring them back.
Simon: They were cyanotic.
Mal: They were cyanotic and not responding--
Simon: Not responsive.

Simon: Infusers. Right. (to Jayne) What about the cortical electrodes?
Jayne: (hesitates) ... we forgot 'em?
Simon: Let's try that again.

Mal: Now all we need's a couple of patients.
Simon: Corpses, actually. For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: I'm startin' to like this plan.

Mal: We speak only when spoken to, we avoid all unnecessary contact, and we stay together until we reach the morgue. Understood?
Zoe: Yes, sir.
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrode...
Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: ...were unable to get a neural response. Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Doctor: What have you got?
Mal: Couple DOAs. By the time we got--
Doctor: (abruptly) Take them down to the morgue.
(Jayne isn't satisfied with this reaction after all the rehearsal)
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrodes, but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!

Jayne: (in the morgue, reading a toe tag on a corpse) "John Doe." What kind of dumbass don't even have a name?

(outside the ambulance shuttle)
Wash: How much did we get? Mal: Enough to keep us flying. Zoe: Can we fly somewhere with a beach? Wash: Maybe a naked beach? Zoe: Ooh. Wash: Ahh.
(Wash and Zoe kiss)
Mal: Cut it out. Job ain't done till we're back on Serenity.
Zoe: Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.

Mal: This is exactly what I didn't want. I wanted simple, I wanted in-and-out, I wanted easy money.
Zoe: Things always get a little more complicated, don't they, sir?
Mal: Once, just once, I want things to go according to the gorram plan!

Inara: (just returned to Serenity) What's going on here?
Kaylee: Well, let's see. We killed Simon and River, stole a bunch of medicine, and now the captain and Zoe are off springing the others got snatched by the Feds.

Jayne: Next time we come to the Core, I'm staying with the preacher.
Mal: You hadn't come, you wouldn't be getting your big pay day.

Mal: Hey. How was your thing?
Inara: As advertised: lots of needles and cold exam tables. I heard you had some excitement.
Mal: Oh, nothing much. Lots of running around. A little gunplay. A couple of needles.

Kaylee: What happened to your face?
Jayne: Got it shot.
Kaylee: With a gun?!
Jayne: (with disgust) One of them "non-lethal" guns.

Mal: Doc had a good notion. Boy's got a decent criminal mind.

Mal: You called the feds.
Jayne: What? I got pinched!
Mal: Which is what happens when you call the feds.

Mal: I thought you'd never do such a thing?
Jayne: The money was too good. I got stupid. I'm sorry, okay? Be reasonable. What're you taking this so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the feds.
Mal: Oh, but you did. You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me. But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. You did it to me, Jayne. And that's a fact.

Mal: The next time you decide to stab me in the back-- ...Have the guts to do it to my face.

Simon: Oh, I... brought some medicine. You remember why we went to the hospital.
River: Is it time to go to sleep again?
Simon: No, mei mei. It's time to wake up.

top

10 War Stories

Book: Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?
Simon: No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.

Mal: Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots. (to Kaylee and River) SHADDAP! (to Inara) There's nobody sets foot on my boat that I don't meet 'em. Don't worry. I won't start any swordfights. I'm over that phase.

Kaylee: No power in the 'verse can stop me!

Wash: It's Jayne being so generous with his cut that confuses and frightens me.
Zoe: It does kind of freeze the blood.

Wash: But these apples are good and healthsome.
Jayne: (dryly) Yeah, grenades cost extra.

Simon: You're my beautiful sister.
River: I threw up on your bed.
Simon: Yep. Definitely, my sister.

Kaylee: Well, gosh, I knew she took female clients but... They look so glamorous together...
Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.

Wash: Then tell me! I'm a large, semi-muscular man, I can take it. Don't hide behind Mal 'cause you know he'll shoot it down for you. Tell me.
Zoe: Right, 'cause what this marriage needs is one more shouting match.
Wash: No, what this marriage needs is one less husband. Right now it's kind of crowded.

Mal: Okay, I'm lost, I'm angry, and I'm armed. If you two have something to work out--

Wash: So, not a man?
Mal: Not so much.
Wash: Damn.
Mal: I mean, I knew her clientele was... varied...
Wash: Yeah, but, I mean, you know... damn.
Mal: Yeah.

Mal: And you understand what Zoe's job entails.
Wash: I'll learn as I go.
(later)
Wash: So, now I'm learning about carrying.
(later)
Wash: Now I'm learning about scary.

Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.
Zoe: Jayne-- grab your weapon.

Book: This is precision work. Sharpshooters. From the look of these wounds, I'd say a 54R sniper rifle. Laser sights.
Jayne: You do a lot of shootin' at the abbey, Shepherd?
Book: Rabbits.
Jayne: For stew. Sure.

Mal: Don't mean a thing. You're making out like Zoe just blindly follows my every word, and that ain't true.
Wash: Sure it is.
Mal: Not so. There've been plenty of orders of mine she didn't obey.
Wash: Name one!
Mal: She married you.

Wash: The whole "captain" thing isn't Zoe's trouble. It's the guy-she-never-slept-with thing. Hell, Mal-- I wish you had slept with her! Then at least she'd be over it!
Mal: You want me to sleep with her? That make you feel better?
Wash: It might!
Mal: Imagine it'd do wonders for her, too.
Wash: Screw you!
Mal: Get in line.

Mal: Okay. Gonna do it, then. Wash? Wash! First thing, we get back-- I'm taking your wife into my bed. Gonna get me a piece'a--

Niska Not enough for two. But sufficient, perhaps, for one. -- Ah, you now have--
Zoe: (cuts him off and points at Wash) Him. (Niska is a bit stunned) I'm sorry. You were going to ask me to choose, right? Do you want to finish?

Wash: He wouldn't break, Zoe. And he kept me from... I wouldn't have made it.

Zoe: We're getting him back!
Jayne: What are we going to do, clone him?

Simon: (about Mal's ear; all the doctor) It's a clean cut. With the right equipment, I should be able to reattach it.-- That's assuming there's a head.

Jayne: You really think you can mount a two-man frontal assault on Niska's skyplex and live?
Wash: Technically it's a one-man/one-woman assault. A unisex. (to Zoe) Grenades?
Zoe: Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.

Zoe: We're going to get the captain.
Kaylee: Oh, good.... (to Jayne) Can they do that?
Jayne: No.

Book: (holding a big rifle) This should do.
Zoe: Preacher, don't the Bible got some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Simon: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.

River: (after shooting the three men) No power in the 'verse can stop me.

Zoe: This is something the Captain needs to do himself.
Mal: No. No, it's not--
Zoe: Oh.

Inara: I just wish you'd killed that old bastard.
Mal: I got regrets on that score my own self.

Mal: (to Book and Simon) So, I hear ya'll took up arms in that little piece of action back there.
(to Simon) How you farin' with that, Doctor?
Simon: I don't know... I never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet.

Mal: Did you tell her?
Wash: Tell her what?
Mal: (to Zoe) Your husband has demanded that we sleep together.
Zoe: (looking at Wash) Really.
Wash: What? Mal, come on--
Mal: He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open. You know, make it a fair fight for your womanly affections--
Wash: No- That was just the torture talking... (looking at Zoe) Remember? The torture?
Mal: Sergeant, it's a difficult mission-- But you and I have to get it on.
Zoe: I understand. We have no choice. Take me, sir. Take me hard.
(Jayne happens to come in exactly that moment, freezes).
Jayne: Now somethin' about that is just downright unsettlin'.

top

11 Trash

Monty: (to Mal and Saffron, pointing guns at each other) So... you guys have met.

Mal: She ain't your wife... cause she's married to me.

Monty:Damn you, Bridget! Damn you ta Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then y-- I SHAVED MY BEARD FOR YOU, DEVIL WOMAN!

Jayne: Woah there, cap... Tell me you didn't get into a fight with Monty.
Kaylee: Really? But I thought we loved Monty! (to Zoe) Don't we love Monty?

Inara: Maybe this isn't the best time.
Mal: It's a fine time. Just talk plain is all.
Inara: I'm not sleeping with you, Mal.
Mal: Uh, no, I think I would have noticed if you were. My keenly trained... senses would have...

Inara: Well, since I can't seem to find work as companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you!
Mal: Petty.
Inara: I didn't mean petty.
Mal: What did you mean?
Inara: Suo-SHEE?
Mal: That's chinese for petty.

Wash: I'm confused...
Saffron: You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I just go in and grab it for myself-- why cut you in?
Wash: No. Actually... I was wondering... (to Mal) What's she doing on the ship!? Didn't she try to kill us?

Jayne: Okay. I got a question. If she's got the security codes, why don't she just go in a grab it for herself-- why cut us in?

Saffron: See there? Only one thing you gotta do if you want to be a rich woman, hon-- and that's get over it.
Zoe: Mmmm. Okay.
(Zoe punshes Saffron straight in the face and she goes down.)
Zoe: You, too. Hon. (then, to Mal) I'm in.

Jayne: Captain says you're to stay put. Doesn't want you runnin' afoul of his blushin' psychotic bride. She figures out who you are, she'll turn you in 'fore you can... say... "don't turn me in, lady".
Simon: The bounty on us just keeps getting more exciting.
Jayne: (a bit unsettled) Well, I wouldn't know.

River: She's a liar and no good will come of her.
Jayne: Well, I say as a rule that girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl. She starts on that "girl's name" thing, I'm a show her good an' all I got man parts.
Simon: I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It's just not coming.

Inara: Overbooking is a cardinal sin. Clients must feel the experience is timeless. Only thing worse is a badly faked fall.
Zoe: See, that's where me and Companionship part ways. I never could work the notion of pretending a man was gettin' it done when he wasn't.
Inara: So you've never pretended to fall.
Zoe: Well, never is a strong word... sometimes it's easier.
Inara: What about with Wash?
Zoe: One time. Poor boy was bone-tired...
Inara: And?
Zoe: He knew. Son of a bitch called me on it.
Inara: That's the one you marry.
Zoe: Damn right.

Saffron: We gotta move fast.
Mal: Yeah, he [Durran] might come back and hug us in the act.

Saffron: Durran... This isn't what it looks like...
Mal: Unless it looks like we're stealing your priceless Mexican, 'cause that's what we're doing. Don't ask me about the gun, 'cause that's new.

Durran: How long have you been with him?
Mal: Oh we're not together.
Saffron: He's my husband.
Mal: Well, who in the damn galaxy isn't?

Saffron: What are you doing here?
Inara: Oh. Just my part of the job.
Saffron: What part of the job?
Inara: You know, I put on this big act and storm away in a huff, then I fly off, wait for you to doublecross Mal, beat you to the rendezvous spot and grab the loot before you can get to it. What, you didn't see it coming?

Inara: Uh-uh. You know, I'm a little disappointed. Some of the crew's performances weren't quite as nuanced as they could have been. I thought they might tip the fact that we were playing you from the second Mal took you out of that crate. Oh, well. Guess not.

Simon: I don't care what you've done. I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same, cause I don't see this working any other way. (leaves)
River: (pops her head in) Also, I can kill you with my brain.

Mal: Yep... that went well.
Inara: You call this "going well"?
Mal: We got the loot, didn't we?
Inara: Yes, but--
Mal: Then I call it a win. What's the problem?
Inara: Should I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere, or the part where you have no clothes?
Mal: All according to plan.
Inara: Really? I thought the plan was for me to act as a failsafe in case everything else went wrong. Like, for instance, if Saffron disabled Serenity and left you for dead.
Mal: Nonsense. You had a key role to play in this. How sad would you have been if you hadn't gotten to play it?
Inara: Heartbroken.
Mal: See? All according to plan.

top

12 The Message

Simon: Yep. That's a cow fetus.
Kaylee: Guess so... Does seem to have an awful lot of limbs...
Simon: It's mutated. Most of the breeding on the outer planets was done by shipping DNA scrip instead of animals. The first herds were grown in labs, then set loose. Every now and then...
Kaylee: But cow? How do you figure?
Simon: It's upside down.

Simon: Well, you're kind of a genius when it comes to machines... you always say what you mean, and your eyes...
Kaylee: Yeah? Eyes, yeah?
Simon: I don't know how to... Plus, every other girl I know is either married, professional, or closely related to me, so you are more or less literally the only girl in the world.
Kaylee: That's a hell of a thing to say.
Simon: I was joking...
Kaylee: No, no, I get it. Back on Osiris you probably had nurses and debutantes crawling all over you. But down here at the bottom of the barrel, there's just me.

Wash: Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.

Zoe: Scared her away again, did you?
Simon: This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls.
Zoe: Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?

Wash: Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony...

Mal: Jabber jabber, I ain't listening. Just 'cause you helped on the job don't make you a crook, and I don't want you jeopardizing your career over this.
Inara: The career you abhor and look down on?
Mal: I don't want you in the way a' trouble. Take it as you like.

River: My food is troublesome.

Inara: So, do aliens live among us?
Kaylee: One of 'em's a doctor.

Jayne: How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don'tchya think?
Wash: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.
Jayne: Damn straight.

Jayne: What'd you all order a dead guy for?

Tracey: Thanks. Didn't know you were there.
Zoe: That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it.

Zoe: First rule of battle, little one. Never let 'em know where you are. Of course, there's other schools of thought...
Mal: Oh! That was bracing. They don't like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself.

Mal: Tracey. Ain't you been killed yet?
Tracey: No fault of my own, I promise.
Mal: I really wanted your beans.

Mal: Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone's carrying a bullet for you right now, doesn't even know it. The trick is to die of old age before it finds you.

Jayne: We're taking him on board?
Mal: We are.
Jayne: Don't figure the percentage in that.
Mal: Don't strain your brain trying, then. Might break something.

Simon: What's going on? Did we get something fun?
River: You are such a boob.

Jayne: Hey, I'm sorry, Preacher. Makin' too much noise?
Book: No, no, I was just.... saying a few words. Don't know the boy's denomination, but...
Jayne: It's good. Lord should oughta look after the dead.

Jayne: Me, I see a stiff-- one I didn't have to kill myself-- I just get, you know, the urge to do stuff. Work out, run around, get some trim if there's a willin' woman about... not that I get flush from corpses or anything. I ain't crazy.
Book: Makes sense. Looking to feel alive, I would venture.
Jayne: For psychology, that ain't half dumb. My kind of life don't last, preacher. So I expect I'm invested in making good sport of it whilst I can.

Book: Oh. River, that might not be the best place to...
River: I'm very comfortable.
Book: I guess we do all have different reactions to death.

Wash: Police procedure has changed since I was little.

Mal: Anything?
Jayne: Not unless this crate's made a' magical wish-granting planks.

Zoe: You really think there's something in there.
Mal: Using corpses for smuggling is a time-honored repulsive custom.
Jayne: Maybe it's gold!
Zoe: And maybe this was a friend of ours, and you wanna show a little respect.
Jayne: I got respect. But I'm just saying... gold...

Jayne: Spry for a dead fella!

Tracey: He was cuttin' on me, Sarge!
Mal: I know it! I told him to!
Tracey: You told him to! What for?!
Mal: You were dead!
Tracey: Hunh? Oh. Right. Suppose I was.

Mal: So your innards... ain't your innards?

Wash: Mal, your dead army buddy's on the bridge!

Jayne: I'm with the preacher. I ain't gettin' snowed-in permanent cause of some jackass kid -
Mal: What about runnin'?
Wash: We tried that, remember? That's why we're here? In this glacier? 'Bout to be buried alive?

Zoe: Wash-? Sweetie-?
Wash: Ow?

Mal: Far as I can see, nobody's made you do anything. You brought this onto yourself. Got in over your head with these stone cold gut-runners, then you panicked, and then you brung the whole mess down on all of us...

Mal: Oh yes, that's how it happened. And I'm startin' to think that trail of bodies Womack was talkin' about, I'm thinkin' some of that trail was left by you... losin' your head, doin' more or less what you're doin' right now-

Mal: You murdered yourself, son. I just carried the bullet for a while.

Tracey: So.. .That was the plan? That- That was a good plan.
Mal: I think so.
Tracey: Weird preacher, though... I'm feelin'... kinda stupid right about now.
Mal: Only cause you are.

Tracey: Kaylee. I'm sorry... Every- Everyone... Wasn't never no good at life, anyhow... Couldn't seem to make sense of it... Always running scared... 'When you can't run anymore, you crawl... and when you can't do that-'
Zoe: 'You find someone... to carry you.'
Tracey: Guess I did, at that...

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13 Heart of Gold

Inara: Hi.
Mal: BWAAA!
Inara: Sorry. I didn't mean to startle.
Mal: You didn't. BWAAA! That's kind of a warrior... It's a... strikes fear into... Bwaa? You know, it ain't altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he's handling a weapon.
Inara: I'm sure I've heard that said.

Mal: This distress call wouldn't be taking place in someone's pants, would it?

Nandi:-- And I got word you were in the area... I'm imposing, but I got no one else to ask.
Inara: It sounds like the sort of thing this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but -
Nandi: If they got guns, and brains at all...
Inara: They have guns.

Zoe: No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated-- this job's strictly speculative.
Jayne: Good. 'cause I don't know these folks. Don't much care to.
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in.

Jayne: That's the whorehouse?
Inara: Yes...
Jayne: How come it looks like a frozen dinner pack?

Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already?

Kaylee: Look, they got boy whores! Isn't that thoughtful? Wonder if they service girlfolk at all.
Wash: Let's not ask.

Jayne: Man, my John Thomas is gonna pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here.
Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Mal: I'll never understand rich folk. All that money, this is what they do with it.
Inara: It's art.
Mal: It's puppets.
Inara: It's puppet art.

Wash: All I'm saying is we're living pretty deep in the rough and tumble, and I don't see that changing any time soon.
Zoe: Nor do I.
Wash: Well, I'm not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives.
Zoe: That excuse is getting a little worn, honey.
Wash: It's not an excuse, dear. It's objective assessment. I can't help it if it stays relevant.
Zoe: I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash. Or objective. And I'm not so afraid of losing something that I won't try havin' it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. I want to meet that child one day. Period.
Wash: And this beautiful baby of ours, you don't mine that it's going to grow up on a spaceship?
Zoe: Worked fine for me.

Nandi: Well, after you've saved our lives you can do some chores, maybe.
Mal: I'm a fair hand with a mop.
Nandi: So your legend tells. Truth is, I expected a whole lot more of you to be taking payment in our trade.

Nandi: She's a hell of a woman, ain't she? Inara.
Mal: Oh. Yeah. She's a cherry blossom, no denyin'.

Nandi: Had her eyes on it, too. Very focused. She's like you, more than a little.
Mal: And how exactly is that?
Nandi: She hates complications.

Simon: You're not completely dilated yet. Should be pretty quick but don't try to force it. These contractions are still preliminary.
Petaline: What's he saying?
Inara: It's gonna be a little while, sweetie.

Inara: How many babies have you actually delivered?
Simon: As the primary? This would be the first. You?
Inara: My first too.
River: Mine too.

River: Who do you think is in there...?

Mal: You are a remarkable woman, you don't mind my saying.
Nandi: Long as it's you saying it, and not my fine rice wine.
Mal: It takes more'n a few drinks to render my judgement blurry. What about you? Am I getting any prettier?
Nandi: By the minute.

Mal: Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make.
Nandi: Maybe I should get the Shepherd.

Inara: So you took to bed with Nandi. I'm glad.
Mal: Thinking and pondering the -- glad?
Inara: Yes! She's a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now.
Mal: Well, I...
Inara: One of the virtues of not being puritanical about sex is not being embarrassed afterwards. You should look into it.
Mal: Well, I just... didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of your friend.
Inara: She's well worth taking advantage of, I sincerely hope you did.
Mal: So you're okay. Well, yeah. Why wouldn't you be?
Inara: I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay. I'm a little appalled at her taste.

Kaylee: Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?
Wash: Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one.

Jayne: Whoa now, girl, that's just plain dirty-
Mal: Jayne- You aware your radio's transmittin'?

Nandi: You didn't give me the whole truth, Mal.
Mal: 'bout what?
Nandi: 'Bout her feelings for you.
Mal: I really don't know--

Inara: I'm... I'm glad you were with her. Her last night. I am.
Mal: I ain't. Hell, I wish I'd never met her. Then I wouldn't've failed her.
Inara: That wasn't the way of it.
Mal: It's a kindness, but nothing you say'll convince me different.
Inara: Well, I'm still glad.
Mal: So you weren't before? Inara, I ain't looking for anything from you. I'm just feeling kind of truthsome right now. Life is too damn short for ifs and maybes.
Inara: I learned something from Nandi. Not just from what happened, but from her. The family she made, the strength of her love for them. That's what kept them together. When you live with that kind of strength, you get tied to it, you can't break away. And you never want to. There's something that I... that I should have done a long while ago. And I'm sorry-- for both of us-- that it took me this long. I'm leaving.

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14 Objects in Space

Simon: You know, we'd all just made surgeon. That was it. We were the elite. The world was ours, you know?
Kaylee: So-so you had to be naked?
Simon: Naked. Yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. Can you just picture me?
Kaylee: What, naked? Oh, well, hmm. Let's see. I'm gonna have to conjure up a... Yeah, that's-that's gonna be difficult.

Simon: I mean it was... it was... it was either that, or the national anthem. I... reports vary.
Kaylee: And you don't remember any of this?
Simon: I remember talking the Feds out of telling my father. Or-or paying the Feds not to tell my father. I get fuzzy on the aspects.

Jayne: So like, never?
Book: Well, no.
Jayne: Not ever never?
Book: Some orders allow Shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.
Jayne: But, I mean, you still got the urge. They don't... cut it off, or nothin'?
Book: Mm, no, I'm more or less intact. I just...direct my energy elsewhere.

Jayne: It ain't impossible! Saint Jayne, it's got a ring to it.
Book: I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed.
Jayne: I once hit a guy in the neck from 500 yards with a bent scope. Don't that count upstairs?
Book: Oh, it'll be taken into consideration.

Inara: I don't know why I haven't left already.
Mal: Ah, no one's forcing you to stay.

River: It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think.

River: She understands. She doesn't comprehend.
Mal: Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction. No touching guns. Okay?
River: No touching.
Simon: River...
River: It's getting very, very crowded!

Mal: When want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.
Simon: You are talking to a doctor.

Wash: Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?
Zoe: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it.

Jayne: Bullets are soft lead, Mal. Even Vera could... barely breach the hull. She's the best I got. Anyhow... let's move this conversation in a not-Jayne's-fault direction? I didn't make her crazy. Hell, I didn't even want her on the ship.
Mal: Is that the direction you want this conversation to go in?

Jayne: Anybody remember her comin' at me with a butcher's knife?
Wash: Wacky fun.
Jayne: You wanna go, little man?
Wash: Only if it's someplace with candlelight.

Jayne: What? She killed 'em with mathematics. What else could it have been?
Kaylee: You couldn't have done it, Jayne. Nor you, Cap'n. Nobody can shoot like that that's a person.
Simon: So River's not a person.

Simon: She probably didn't even know what was going on. You know, th-thought it was a game.
Jayne: Later on you can explain to me how that's a comfort. Might have to use some of that "math" we've been hearin' about.

Jayne: Wha-- are you-are you sayin' she's a witch?
Wash: Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
Jayne: She's in Congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious.

Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
Zoe: We live in a space ship, dear.
Wash: So?

Jayne: Well... I don't like the idea of someone hearin' what I'm thinkin'.
Inara: No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking.

Book: The Alliance could have any number of uses for a psychic.
Zoe: A psychic, or an assassin.
Simon: She's just a kid. And she just wants to be a kid.
Mal: Wish it were that simple.

Simon: I'm not mad at you. I just, uh... She loves this ship. I think it's more home to her than any place she's been.
Kaylee: What about you?
Simon: I... I thought the hospital was home. I was really making a difference there... and embarrassingly large stacks of money, and... I could've... I would be there right now if she hadn't -- If-if they had just left her alone.
Kaylee: Is it so bad here?

Early: I like this ship. Serenity. She's good looking.
Kaylee: H-how did you... g-get on...?
Early: Strains the mind a bit, don't it? You think you're all alone. Maybe I come down the chimney, Kaylee. Bring presents to the good girls and boys. Maybe not, though. Maybe I've always been here.

Early: I'm gonna tie you up now. And you know what I'm gonna do then? I'm gonna give you a present. Get rid of a problem you've got. And I won't touch you in any wrong fashion, nor hurt you at all. Unless you make some kind of ruckus. You throw a monkey wrench into my dealings in any way, your body is forfeit. Ain't nothing but a body to me. And I can find all unseemly manner of use for it. Do you understand?

Simon: Are you Alliance?
Early: Am I a lion?
Simon: What?
Early: I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though. I have a mighty roar.
Simon: I said Alliance.

Early: This is her room.
Simon: Yes.
Early: It's empty.
Simon: I know.
Early: So is it still her room when it's empty? Does the room, the thing, have purpose? Or do we-- what's the word?
Simon: I really can't help you.

Early: You're gonna help me. 'Cause every second you're with me is the chance to turn the tables. Get the better of me. Maybe you'll find your moment. Maybe I'll slip. Or, you refuse to help me, I shoot your brain out, then I go upstairs and spend some time violatin' the little mechanic I got trussed-up in the engine room. I take no pleasure in the thought, but she will die weeping if you cross me.
Simon: You're out of your mind.
Early: That's between me and my mind.

Early: He's not killed. Be a while before he comes to, but he'll mend.
Simon: And which part of your plan dictated the necessity of beating up a Shepherd?
Early: That ain't a Shepherd.

Simon: Come on out, River. The nice man wants to kidnap you.

Early: I like the way the walls go out. Gives you an open feeling. Firefly is a good design. People don't appreciate the substance of things. Objects in space. People miss out on what's solid.

Early: Man is stronger by far than woman, yet only woman can create a child. Does that seem right to you?

River: You're wrong about River. River's not on the ship. They didn't want her here, but she couldn't make herself leave. So she melted... Melted away. They didn't know she could do that, but she did.

River: I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship.
Simon: River...
River: River's gone.
Early: Then who exactly are we talking to?
River: You're talking to Serenity. And, Early... Serenity is very unhappy.

River: Shh. I'm fine. But I need you to do something for me. Gotta be brave.
Kaylee: I'm tied up. I-I can't...
River: Got tools. Something sharp. Don't be scared. I'm right here.

Early: Where'd she go?
Simon: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a space ship. Don't look at me.

River: Early... Mr. Jubel Early, bounty hunter. May I call you Jubel?
Early: Ain't nobody calls me that.
River: Your mother does. I'm sorry... "did." She's gone now.

River: Wrong. You're a bad liar. You crawl inside me uninvited and you hurt my crew. I see everything that passes -

Simon: What am I? Your advocate?
Early: You are starting now.
Simon: He's really very... gentle... and fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends.

Early: You folks are all insane.
Simon: Well, my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

Mal: What the hell's goin' on here?
River: I need you to do me a favor, Captain.
Mal: There's a guy... he's very blurry. You gotta be careful. Oh... How come there's a guy on board, and how come you're all of a sudden the ship?
River: I know you have questions.
Mal: That would be why I just asked them.
River: But there isn't time, Captain. I need you to trust me.
Mal: Am I dreamin'?
River: We all are.

River: It's why you took the job. Power. Control. Pain. Your mother knew. Sadness in her when she waved good-bye. She's relieved. Saw darkness in you. You're not well.
Early: You'll be wanting to shut up now.
River: Big golden retriever sitting on the lawn... Never took to you...smelling you. The neighbors pets-- you did things to 'em. Cleaned up after... shined and polished. Everything in here gleams.
Early: Well, I'll be a son of a whore. You're not in my gorram mind. You're on my gorram ship!

River: It's okay, Early. I'm going with you.
Simon: River, what are you -
River: Don't belong. Dangerous, like you. Can't be controlled. Can't be trusted. Everyone could just go on without me and not have to worry. People could be what they wanted to be. Could be with the people they wanted. Live simple. No secrets.
Simon: No...
River: I'll be fine. I'll be your bounty, Jubel Early.

River: Permission to come aboard?
Mal: You know, you ain't quite right.
River: It's the popular theory.
Mal: Go on. Get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up your plan.
River: He takes so much looking after.

Wash: Can I mop your brow? I am at the ready with the fearsome brow-mop.

Book: I just feel like such a fool.
Jayne: Yeah, all those years of priest trainin', taken out by one bounty hunter.

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